Why We Shout Past Each Other (And How to Really Listen)
We have all been there. A family dinner turns tense. A friend posts something political online and the comments explode. Suddenly, people we care about are not having a conversation, they are locked in a shouting match. No one changes their mind. Everyone walks away frustrated.
Why does this happen so often? And more importantly, how can we do better?
The Problem: Talking Different Languages
Research shows that people on the Left and Right often see the world through different moral “lenses.”
People on the Left usually focus on fairness, equality, and caring for the vulnerable.
People on the Right often prioritise loyalty, responsibility, tradition, and order.
When one side makes an argument based on its values, the other side may not even hear it as valid. For example:
A Left-leaning person might say climate change is about fairness to future generations.
A Right-leaning person might see climate policies as threatening jobs, traditions, or national independence.
Neither side is lying or stubborn. They are simply speaking different moral languages.
Why We Shout Instead of Listen
In today’s world, echo chambers make this worse. Social media feeds, partisan news, and even where we live mean that many of us mostly hear from people who think like we do. When we finally encounter the other side, we are shocked — and quick to assume bad faith.
That shock leads to raised voices, closed ears, and an urgent need to “prove them wrong.” It feels good in the moment, but it never builds understanding.
How to Really Listen
It does not have to be this way. A few small changes can turn shouting into genuine dialogue.
1. Listen for Values, Not Just Words
Instead of focusing only on the policy, ask: what value is behind their concern? For example, if someone worries about immigration, the value might be security and loyalty, not hostility.
2. Reflect Their Concern Honestly
A simple phrase like “I get that you are worried about jobs and stability” shows respect. You are not agreeing, but you are acknowledging the value behind their position.
3. Share Your Perspective in Their Moral Language
Frame your point in a way that connects to their values. Instead of saying “immigration is about equality,” you might say “immigrants often share our traditional values of family and hard work, which strengthens our communities.”
4. Find One Small Point of Agreement
It could be as simple as “we both want our kids to be safe.” That single link can change the tone of the conversation.
A Different Way Forward
Shouting matches rarely persuade anyone. But when we listen for values, show respect, and find common ground, we build a bridge.
No one expects instant agreement. The goal is smaller: to understand each other a little better, and to leave the conversation with more respect than when it began. That is how change starts — not in the noise of yelling, but in the quiet of real listening.
🌼 At The Daisy Chain, this is what we practice. Linking values, building understanding, and growing together. Join us, and help turn shouting into listening.
