Why We Shout Past Each Other (And How to Really Listen)

We have all been there. A Sunday lunch goes sour. Someone mentions Brexit in the pub and suddenly voices are raised. A post about the NHS sparks a heated thread on social media. Before long, people are no longer having a conversation, they are arguing past each other. Nobody changes their mind. Everyone leaves annoyed.

Why does this keep happening? And how can we do better?

The Problem: Talking Different Languages

Research shows that people on the Left and Right often see the world through different moral “lenses.”

• People on the Left tend to focus on fairness, equality, and protecting the vulnerable.

• People on the Right often prioritise tradition, responsibility, stability, and loyalty to country.

So when one side makes an argument in its own moral language, the other side often does not hear it as persuasive. For example:

• A Left-leaning person may see the NHS as about fairness and the right to healthcare.

• A Right-leaning person may see the NHS as a national achievement and part of Britain’s proud tradition, but worry about how to keep it sustainable.

Neither side is being stubborn or dishonest. They are simply speaking different moral languages.

Why We Shout Instead of Listen

Our echo chambers make this worse. Whether it is the papers we read, the TV channels we trust, or the friends we keep, many of us mainly hear from people who already think like we do. When we finally run into the other side, the gap feels larger than it really is.

That shock often leads to raised voices, quick judgments, and a scramble to “win the argument.” It feels satisfying in the moment, but it almost never changes minds.

How to Really Listen

It does not have to be this way. A few small steps can make conversations calmer and more productive.

1. Listen for Values, Not Just Words
Behind most arguments is a value. If someone worries about immigration, for example, the value might be security or social cohesion, not simply hostility.

2. Reflect Their Concern Honestly
A simple reply like “I see why you would worry about fairness for taxpayers” shows respect. You are not agreeing, but you are showing you understand the value that drives their view.

3. Share Your Perspective in Their Moral Language
Frame your point in a way that speaks to their values. Instead of saying “immigration is about diversity,” you might say “many immigrants share British traditions of hard work and family, and they make our country stronger.”

4. Find One Small Point of Agreement
It could be as simple as “we both want the NHS to be strong for our children.” That little link can change the whole tone.

A Different Way Forward

Shouting past each other gets us nowhere. But listening for values, showing respect, and building on common ground can change the conversation.

Agreement will not always happen right away. That is not the point. The goal is to leave the table with more understanding and more respect than when you sat down. That is how we begin to bridge divides.

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🌼 At The Daisy Chain, this is the practice we believe in. Linking values, building understanding, and growing together. Join us, and help turn shouting into listening.